I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, that the universe unfolds as it should and that it is conspiring with us, for us, not against us. I like to think that attitude is everything, that a positive mindset can create a positive reality. I like to trust that people are well-intentioned, that love can overcome all obstacles, and that my god, your god, our god does exist.
These things that I like to believe in, that I think and that I trust, are questioned today—April 7, 2013, four years after my brother’s passing. They say grief is like a rollercoaster; most days I am able to reconcile this deep-seeded loss with yoga, and hiking, and writing. I am able to live with a sense of gratitude and a sense that this moment alone is truly enough. I’ve learned not to fear death, but to embrace life. But there are days like today when the world just doesn’t seem to make any sense at all; a day that I would trade for any other, that I would go back in time and if it not be possible to save my brother, at least I would have the chance to give him a hug and tell him how much I love him. Today there is no silver lining, no comfort, no reason, no reconciling.
It is hard for me to admit this because it goes against what I like to believe. No matter how hard I try today is a day that I cannot reconcile, that I cannot find a positivist reason or explanation or rationale. I’m trying to learn that this is okay. April 7th is a day that had no significant meaning in my life for 23 years and now all of a sudden it’s the one day I dread most— it feels heavy, like a black hole—vast emptiness, silencing, heart wrenching, private. There are so many words left unspoken, so many feelings bubbling right under the surface, and so many regrets and “what ifs”.
So, today, I honor the sadness, the pain, and the loss that this day entails. I let go of my beliefs for a moment and allow myself to feel. I send all my love out to the universe and up to the heavens.
I love you bro, and I miss you.